There is no doubt this has been the hardest year of my life... and I've had my fair share.


He was my first born... my baby boy... my sweet, kind-hearted young man. So special to so many and he truly had  something extra special.


There is a peace I find  knowing I don't ever have to worry about him. Nothing bad will ever happen to him again.  As a mother, that eases my pain. The part I will always struggle with is I don't get to see him follow his dreams of becoming  a chef, falling in love, or starting a family.  The list could go on forever. But mainly, it's not getting to talk to him, listen to him laugh, or watch him get so excited when a favorite show or sporting event was coming on.


He was like his dad in alot of ways and I pull strength from knowing that Bill was there waiting for Billy as he left this earth.  Billy was 7 when his father passed away suddenly.  As the oldest, he remembered the most about his dad and Billy carried that bond with him always.


Amber is experiencing a real sense of loss. They were very close when they were little, went through brother/sister conflicts as teens, and then in the last year or two - began down the path of friendship and confidants. Her heartbreak comes in waves and she deals with it the best she can. She is a wonderfully creative  writer and I encourage her to put her feelings to paper as a way to release - it can be very healing.


Joey on the other hand, loves to talk about Billy and do things he would've done or wanted to do. He has a desire to fulfill things for Billy. It seems to give him purpose and a way to feel connected to his brother. Joey is one funny kid and although there will be extreme challenges for him in the future, I am confident he will face them head on and come out the other side shining.


As for me, I stay as busy as I possibly can, this is good and bad.  I seem to be getting alot done but never the satisfaction of completely anything. I don't cry often but get emotional frequently. When I do feel like crying, I embrace it and let it come, and come hard. I always seem to feel better after but it's never a place I want to go willingly.


Dean and I lost our daughter in 2009, she was stillborn.  Emma Grace was a blessing from God who was called back before she even got here. Her tiny urn sat on our dresser for 6 years in a red velvet heart shaped box. As we were preparing to lay Billy to rest, I was trying to decide, "What is so precious to me that I can bury with Billy so he always as a special piece of me?"  "Emma". I knew this was the best thing I could do for the both of them, and for me. Before Billy's casket was closed for the last time, the beautiful heart shaped box was placed in his hands. My angels were together, and now they watch over us... there is nothing else that gives me greater peace.


I feel Billy around me in many different ways, all of which are comforting. Butterflies, feathers, cardinals, I have had experiences with all of these which are suppose to be a signs from heaven. Today, as I finish the creation of this website, a cardinal came and sat right outside my office window and I immediately thought of Billy.


So I will keep believing until we get to see each other again.


Thanks for listening.




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